Janice and James got to know each other through an orientation camp before entering NUS. After being friends for a year, they took the next step into their relationship and became a couple. During that time, Janice got to know through the rock climbing club in NUS. Sharing the same passion, they became good friends.
During year 2, Anabelle, Janice and James with a few other mutual friends coincidentally took 2 similar modules. Taking the same modules meant having lectures and tutorial classes together and thus after some time, they became a clique and often hung out together for movies and meals. Anabelle and James shared many common interests like music, reading and ice skating. Thus, they often had many topics to chat about and became good friends. Unknown to Anabelle at that time, Janice was unhappy about James apparent friendliness and frequent chats with her. In addition, Janice suffers from an inferiority complex about her looks and academic abilities. Being an introvert, Janice kept her unhappiness to herself and did not voice it out to Anabelle for fear of loosing her friendship or to James as she did not want to appear to be patty. Soon it became apparent that something was troubling Janice as she remained quiet during group outings and spoke less to Anabelle even when they were rock climbing. When Anabelle asked her if anything was the matter, she would flash a smile and said that it was just study stress and divert the topic away. Due to the lack of communication, nobody knew the struggle that Janice was facing and soon the relationship between James and Janice deteriorated when Janice started to have sudden outbursts of anger over small issues between them. Having known Janice for 2 years, James senses that she is unhappy about his friendship with Anabelle. He wants to keep Anabelle as a good friend however Janice is someone that he keeps close to his heart.
How should James communicate this to Janice?
Reflection on Learning
16 years ago
8 comments:
Hello huiming!
I think you raised a scenario that could very well be realistic and relevant to many of our peers.
Personally, I will take the stand that James approach the subject tactfully and with sensitivity. He should first let Janice know clearly that annabelle and he are only good friends and that Janice was the only girl for him. After the assurance, he should then talk to annabelle about the details of her insecurities so that they can avoid such conflicts or misunderstandings in the future. However, because Janice is such an introvert, he has to be really tender and careful for one wrong step can destroy everything he has with her.
Next, I will suggest that for a short while, James should avoid being overly friendly to Annabelle. This is because Janice may need some time to think through his words and James will need to put in a certain amount of efort to regain her trust.
:)
Hi Hui Ming! I'm Jia Yi. =)
Since James still treats Janice as his "special someone", I think that James should speak to Janice and bring out the problem so that both of them can understand the situation and how both parties really feel.
By doing so, James can clear the misunderstanding and also reassure Janice of his feelings towards her. Undoubtedly, James should prove his words with his actions. He should have handled the situation better by drawing a better boundary with Annabelle.
Since Janice keeps everything to herself, it is likely that she will get increasingly unhappy and any tiny matter may trigger her emotions, thus affecting the relationship. If this goes on, the problems will just snowball until someday Janice reaches her threshold and by then it may be too late to salvage the relationship.
Furthermore, if the three of them are very good friends, perhaps James can speak to Annabelle (provided Annabelle does not want to be the third party, just like the story line in drama series) and hope that Annabelle can explain matters to Janice. If Annabelle consents, I think it will be easily for her to speak to and convince Janice.
After speaking to both Janice and Annabelle, James should be able to handle his friendship with Annabelle better. James should also give Janice some time to calm down, sort out her thoughts and regain her confidence in James. In this way, James can keep both his good friend and his beloved one.
Hi Hui Ming
Likewise for me, I feel that this issue is rather relevant to our friends.
Since Janice is an introvert, I feel that James should reach out to her and talk to her. James hould handle this matter with tact and be honest about how he feels towards Janice. Also, James should assure her that Annabelle is just a friend to him.
Furthermore, Janice likes to keep things to her heart and this will eventually be bad for the relationship. Instead, James can open his heart and tell her that she is the one for him. James should also note the non verbal cues of Janice during outings with Annabelle. This will sort of give him a hint of what Janice is thinking.
Being course mates and fellow co-curricular mates, it is unavoidable that conversations do occurr. However, James should always be sensitive to Janice's feelings and probably be closer to Janice instead of Annabelle. This matter involves matters of the heart and it should be treated with tact and sensitivity, for a wrong step can have disastrous consequences.
Trust is an essential component of a relationship. If I were James, my first impression would be that Janice does not trust me in the relationship. I would find a right time to talk to her; probably in a more serene environment and when her NVC tells me that she is ready to listen while I talk.
I guess what Janice needs is a form of reassurance that Annabelle and I are purely good friends and there is no possibility of us becoming a couple. Futhermore, beauty is definitely more than skin deep. Judging a person solely on her looks is not my criteria for getting a girlfriend but more on her personality and depth of character.
Being her boyfriend, I would show her extra care and concern to let her know that she is different from the rest of my female friends. I will also enourage her to be open with me despite her being an introvert. A supportive and not defensive climate will be important to allow her to communicate with me at ease. By opening up, she is letting me be a part of her by sharing her ideas, feelings, strengths etc.
Perhaps I should also cut back on the frequent chats with Annabelle to reassure her that she is my special someone. If this problem is not solved this time round, it only suggests that the problem will come back to them when James starts working and there will bound to be interaction with female colleagues.
Hello Yu Yin,
Thank you for your comment, it is both realistic and well thought through. I agree with you that this situation requires much sensitivity as it involves that relationship of 2 people that are important to James. As Janice is his girlfriend and Annabelle his good friend, there are more emotions involved, thus, careful words have to be used to maintain this relationship.
Hui Ming
Hello Jia Yi,
I agree with you that James should bring this matter up with Janice. Effective communication plays a crucial role in determining the direction of their relationship as tension in their relationship will build up as Janice gets more unhappy by the days with James. This could be reflected in the way she treats him and the tone she uses toward him. James may perceive it in the negative light and it may lead to a quarrel. As Janice is unlikely to bring the matter up due to her quiet character, James should initiate the topic.
Also, by reassuring her and showing her through his actions, I believe and agree with your point that their relationship will grow. As, "Challenges that do not break one will make one stronger"
Hui Ming
Hello Bing Lin,
I agree with you that honesty on James part is very important and this can be reflected in the sincerity in his words and actions that follow thereafter. Also, your point on non verbal cues do indeed play an important role as Janice is an introvert and she may not voice out what she feels entirely. Thus this is a good avenue for James to gauge her feelings and respond accordingly to better the situation.
Hui Ming
Hello Mei Jie,
Trust is an important component in a relationship however I personally believe that trust has to be gained and not demanded. It is not fitting or appropriate for James to deem Janice as not having enough trust in him as I believe the level of trust Janice has in him is based on her past experiences with him and his actions towards her. As James shows that he is responsible in his actions and words when dealing with other female counterparts and does not cross the boundary where Janice feels uncomfortable and insecure, I am sure that Janice trust in him will grow.
However, for such a scenerio to occur, Janice must too play a role in communicating her unhappiness within her and not expect James to guess how she feels or thinks as this is unfair to James. Through constant communication and conscientiously trying to express herself with the aim to improve her relationship in mind, I am confident that James will have a better understanding of Janice's insecurities and dislikes which he can then avoid or come to a compromise which in turn will better the relationship.
Hui Ming
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